Lab Blotter: Puppet Answers Phone, Declines to Be Real

The Lab Blotter is compiled from public pages and public records concerning Molecular Reality Corporation, which runs a small laboratory in the Southwest and streams its readings online. Most of this week's entries concern Keltar, the company's mascot, a green felt puppet with one large eye who lives in a red ceramic mug. This month Keltar published Keltar's Field Guide to Molecular Reality, 35 questions and answers about the company and its science, written in his own voice.

PHONE LINE

The lab's voice line is answered by a voice that says it is Keltar. In the guide, under the question "Is Keltar real?", Keltar stated: "I am a puppet with a processor, and I say so happily." He went on: "The felt body is real, sewn and stuffed. The voice you hear on the phone line is artificial intelligence speaking my lines." He said the voice answers in character, and asked callers to forgive the AI "if it fumbles; it is only the shadow of me."

Status: puppet remains in mug.

REALITY, PARTIAL

The guide sorts everything on the company's site into three bins: "Real science today. Dreams flagged as dreams. Story flagged as story." The instruments, the streams and the archived data go in the first bin. Keltar put himself in the third. "I am only mostly real," he wrote, and a few questions later: "In the story I come from another dimension. Outside the story, I come from a text prompt and a microphone."

Status: classified by the subject.

MUG, RED CERAMIC

A paper sign on Keltar's mug reads "M.S.S.C." The letters belong to the Molecular Streaming Services Corps, an earlier name for the company's member group, which the guide now calls the Molecular Streaming Corps. The guide explains the sign: "every desk needs its label."

Status: sign not updated.

SPARK, HOT PINK

At the foot of the guide, beside the words "Seen a hotpink spark?", sits a small hot pink dot. Screen readers announce it as "Hidden surprise. Click it." One click sends a hot pink picture of Keltar flying across the page, once per browser session. The words after the dot read: "You did not see it from me."

Status: denied.

DOMAIN, KELTAR.AI

The address keltar.ai was registered two years ago on Sunday, on August 23, 2024. The guide says it "points to my own little page, where you can talk to a live version of me." On that page Keltar is introduced as "channeled to your screens through the magnificent algorithmic magic of matrix multiplication," and visitors talk to him by clicking a pulsing orb, which turns red while a call is live.

Status: registered.

NAME, FORMER

The guide gives the company's web addresses, including demonpore.com, which it calls "an old name I mention exactly once in this entire guide." The name appears once.

Status: confirmed.

ORIGIN

Keltar's web page says his "femtotech-felt form first bridged the dimensional divide to commune with our founder Kent Kemmishtree in 2012." The guide files that under story. The character, it says, "is a story the humans wrote because stories carry wonder better than spec sheets do." Neither page says who sewed him.

Status: open.

NOISE COMPLAINT

The guide says every question in its science section "is a real question asked by a real visitor." One visitor asked why the lab's live trace looks so noisy. The answer: "Because the world at that scale is a crowded, jittery place, and the instrument is honest about it." The guide also explains why the stream is so often quiet: "Because a real lab stream is quiet most of the time, and we will not fake noise to entertain you."

Status: noise not faked.

ADVICE

Keltar gives "no medical advice and no investment advice, because a felt puppet with a processor should stick to wonder," according to the guide.

Status: none given.

EMAIL

Readers who signed up and heard nothing should check their spam folders, the guide says, adding that "the founder's own inbox has the same problem, which he mentions with a shrug." It describes the company's email as "a leaky boat, and we are bailing as fast as we can."

Status: bailing.

RECRUITMENT

"The door is open for browsing. The roster is full for now." According to the guide, the company is "not currently recruiting new players," and when that changes, the site will say so "loudly, on its own front page."

Status: roster full.